Regret... it can stop you from "living"..IF YOU LET IT !!!!

Regret... I can safely assume that most of us have experienced this emotion.
We often find ourselves saying “only if I had” or “what if ?” , this two letter word     “ if ” that suggests probability has become a source of unrest to most of us. Personally there are times when it becomes battel to win sanity; because at the end of the day I know I cant change the things I have done but my mind refuses to accept that. Regret is something we have to deal with and move on before we can start to live again. What stops us from moving on? What makes us blind to every good thing we have going for us?

I guess regretting is a natural thing for all of us to do… Everyone wishes they could do the right thing all the time...which of-course as we all know is practically impossible but yet we find it very hard to forgive ourselves. It’s OK to ponder over the decisions we regret making, I don't think anyone of us are super humans, we are bound to dwell on our mistakes. I have spent countless nights replaying situations in my head and thinking of how I could have done things differently... most of the time it’s been a futile and emotionally draining activity because trying to relive the past in your mind never really changes neither the present nor the future

How would you define regret? I would have just said feeling bad about my actions and wishing I could change it. I tried to see if I could get a more accurate definition for the word. These were two which I found interesting as well as complete but put across in two different ways.

  1) Regret according to the decision theory may be defined as the difference between the actual payoff and the payoff that would have been obtained if a different course of action had been chosen.
2) Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors.

The reason I want to obtain a definition for this emotion is to bring about more clarity to the subject. The better we understand a subject the better equipped we are to deal with it.If we have cause to regret we can evaluate the situation and find out if there were alternatives we could have taken which would have lead to a more favorable outcome and whether we would actually go forward with the alternatives. Sometimes the actions required to bring about a more favorable out come may not be something you would be willing to do whatever may be the reason. When we choose such an approach we give our mind direction and focus on present rather than dwell in the past.

One of things I was relived to know was that regret was a conscious emotion even though it’s a negative one. If its something we are conscious of its far easier to deal with than if had been a subconscious act. When we are in control of our thoughts, our emotions cannot over power us. Though we humans are highly emotional creatures... we have been blessed with a brain which responds very well to logical and reason.

We can ponder over our decisions not in the attempt to change them but to see if we can do any better the next time around. We just need to do a retrospective study for the future which would be really beneficial .If we can keep that goal in mind we can be more focused on how to succeed next time. So either regret can lead to introspection/self reflection which would be a logical approach or it can lead to guilt and the feeling of hopelessness wrecking emotional havoc and we will only end up losing more than what we already have.

Emotions have a purpose… they are meant to bring about some kind of evolution in us … that can  make us better individuals. We need to channel them in away that it helps us rather than become a hindrance in our life. Some people live with the feeling of regret through out their life’s … never being able to make peace with the circumstances which lead them to feel this way … hence never able to fully enjoy life.  Can you imagine a bird trying to fly with a rock tied to its feet..? The sight would be pitiful… it would be constantly struggling and battling with this burden. The moment the rock falls off, it instinctively soars the skies effortlessly like nature had always meant it to.

Love and personal values…

Love … people are  willing to risk everything in the name of love, its such a powerful emotion  that even common sense is simply trampled if it dares to stand in its  way…

A friend of mine told me that she is deeply in love with a guy and will never marry anyone else except him. She even calls him her husband as she has already given him that place in her life. I asked her why she doesn’t marry him for real. She informed me that he had found his faith and god through another religion… which is of course unacceptable and unthinkable for her and she was waiting for him to come back to his senses only then will she marry him… I sat there wondering …when had it become a crime to choose your own path to finding faith and god.  Would love really deny you of your freedom to do that?

She loved the man she had fallen in love with beyond any doubt. But the person whom she loved no longer exists.... She wanted to turn back time… have things as they were before. The problem stems from the fact she could no longer accept the man he had become. How can you love someone when you cannot accept who he is?

Change is the only constant thing… nothing can stay unchanged forever.   People are constantly shaped by the flow of time just like landscapes that change with the flow of the river. Life teaches us something new every day. Our personalities undergo transformation too; it’s not static because human nature itself is so dynamic. This is why we can’t expect to stay in the same place in a relationship forever… as it evolves we too evolve.

Personal values evolve from circumstances with the external world and can change over time. We all have a set of values we live by. Values are the embodiment of what an individual stands for, it forms a foundation and basis for measuring our integrity. Through out our life we try to uphold them even in the most difficult situations. They are like a device which helps us to distinguish between wrong and right and simply forms the basis for our judgment. . People should always remember to respect each others personal values even if they do not agree with them.

 When we fall in love with a person they conform to our value system on most levels… other wise there wouldn’t be any harmony. But when personal values change we may not be able to continue to love that person unless we can find a way to accept and respect these changes. There are some things one may be able to compromise, others may be simply unacceptable. We can’t make people conform to our value system just to make it easy for us to love them…

Love facilitates change, only self realization can bring about change in an individual. There are some things in life we can change, some things we cannot change and yet there are others which we should not try to change. I think figuring out these things are really tough but if we can do this we may be able to spend less time worrying and beating our head against a brick wall… both of which never did anybody any good.

It's not your dress size that matters, IT’S YOUR HEALTH!!!

I wonder who came up with the idea… that skinny is beautiful. Why in gods name are woman who are skinny to the point of looking anorexic, the face of fashion? When did it become unfashionable to look normal?  It’s funny how we all have been suckered by the fashion industry. How did this mass hypnosis happen?  Let’s not forget about the poor guys now… I am sure models with 6 pack abs and biceps are not making their life any easier. Seriously, how many people you personally know would fit the image the fashion industry has created?

Have you gone into a store and just left because nothing really fits right or you simply couldn’t find your size?  It’s simply depressing and you promise yourself that you will go on a diet… or buy your favorite dress in the hope that it will inspire you to lose weight.  Some times it works … that crash diet you saw on the internet really worked or those diet pills you took while you were eating a “balanced diet” because  its says on the label that a balanced diet and exercise will help u lose “more” weight! How ironic? Its common knowledge, that if you reduce your calorie intake and spend more calories than you did before, you will lose weight.

I don’t think that most people seriously consider a lifestyle change when attempting to fit into a dress. These crash diets may help you get into the dress…but from what I have learned from quiet a few of such attempts is that they never help you to wear that dress for long. The saddest part  is your body has lost so many essential nutrients that you need with a variety of other problems. Hair loss being is the most traumatic, something that you can see with your own eyes. Other stuff like bone loss and loss of muscle are stuff you can’t see happening, but may feel it much later on.  Did you know that you start losing hair in about a month’s time after crash diets and the process may continue for up to 6 months? When I learnt of this I decided that being a chubby woman was better than being a bald one. The stuff like muscle wastage and bone loss never hit me as hard. May be it’s just the sheer vanity I guess. 

The other day a woman brought her daughter to our clinic for treatment. We had just finished up a long procedure for her and wanted her to take a break to eat.  The girl politely that she didn’t want to eat… and her mom told us not to worry she had a lot of fat so she would be fine. In fact she went on to say her daughter really need to lose weight and had a that look on her face… that irritated the hell out of me… that look that conveyed embarrassment and hopelessness of the situation. The girl didn’t say anything and just look down. That well meaning loving mother had just caused her daughter a lot of pain. If anyone saw her, they would only describe that girl as pretty; she had lovely features, long beautiful hair and lovely skin. But she didn’t fit into what her society would consider pretty, she was not petite and tiny… she was a well built, tall girl.

 Some parents these days are also trying to mould their children into these perfect specimens that society and media have created. They don’t want their children to be lacking in anyway in this competitive world.  In the process they are creating children with low self esteem.  Where would your self esteem develop when you see the constant look of disappointment or embarrassment in your parent’s eyes? 

My mom ,thank heaven didn’t put me through that. She just got tailored clothes when I didn’t find the right size. She just made fresh juices whenever we got hungry and made lighter meals when any of us put on too much weight.  We just didn’t have junk food at home but she didn’t deny us when we had the occasional craving. She encouraged us to practice yoga with my dad, go for swimming, skip and dance. Most importantly she always said we were beautiful and she meant it. Home should always be a safe heaven, the world can be a tough  and unforgiving place.

Weight loss centers and gyms are popping up every where. People are spending ridiculous amounts of hard earned money at theses places in the hope of losing inches.  95% of the people who lose weight gain it back the moment the stop going to the gym. Weight training helps you lose weight fast but you’re likely to gain it back just as fast, once u stop.  You need to make it a part of your life style if you really want it to work for you. All the muscle you put on needs to be kept toned or you will just end up as flabby muscle.

 Those 2min work outs that promise flat abs are the most ridiculous.  I saw someone obsessed with having them, build them up.  After hours of work outs he still was struggling to get the sixth pack.  The girl who had a toned flat tummy did 200 sit ups daily apart from her normal exercise routine.  Those people you see on Television and magazine flaunting a perfect body, be it actors or models, have dedicated their life to the industry and it’s an essential to their lively hood to have a perfect body. So don’t let any anybody tell you otherwise. It’s not any secret diet pill or some great exercise machine but sheer hard work and sweat that help them attain that body or maybe its their body type .

The latest stupidity that the media is promoting today is the concept of size “zero”.  Who in gods name came up with that? I heard of trying to get to size “six” because then you were supposedly perfect.  For any one who wants to know, Size 0 is a women's clothing size in the US catalog size system, roughly equivalent to a UK size 4. Its  a part of something called “Vanity sizing”, that the marketing people in the fashion industry came up with. .Like all predators they are targeting the weakest point...in this case its a woman's vanity.

 We all need to stop aiming for sizes and stop this desire to have immediate results for everything. We should set higher goals for ourselves like adopting a healthy life style. Do stuff you enjoy to burn calories; you’re more likely to want to do it again. Eating a balanced diet will do wonders for you. If you skip important stuff like carbohydrates it will cause mood swings and irritability. Too much of proteins overload your kidneys. If you cut out fats, important vitamins (vitamins A,D,E,K)will not be absorbed by your body. No food group is bad. Balance is the key. I am still struggling to find that balancing. It’s not easy, it takes constant effort. But it can be done if we set our minds to it.

Lot of health issues leads to weight gain , like imbalanced hormones, thyroid problems, polycystic ovary syndrome to name a few. These issues are not addressed. People just run to the gym or diet without finding out the root source of the problem and simply keep struggling.   My dad had told me to check out my thyroid levels ages ago and I didn’t listen. It was a dermatologist who was told me I had a thyroid problem when I went to get some cosmetic stuff done. Stress and depression can also wreck havoc on your body and is one of the most common causes for overeating and one of the most difficult to handle. Our body is very complex; we need to look into a lot of things when we address health issues.

Don’t let media and brand marketing, be the one to set bench marks for you. Every single person is unique. People can’t be bracketed into categories and cataloged. Be proud of yourself and your body. If you’re healthy happy and energetic… don’t worry and enjoy life.

Do we REALLY need to make a mistake to learn a "LESSON" ?

I remember my mom always advising me and me always rebelling. MY most favorite one liner at the end of many heated discussions or arguments would be “Its my life mom; let me make my own mistakes”.  To my dismay, I found out most of the time that she had been right all along...

Why is it that we are so hell bent on making our own mistakes...? I think it's just an excuse to just do what we want at the end of the day... At least that’s what I think when I look back now. When I think of how much pain and regret I could have saved myself  and not to forget the buckets of tears and sleepless nights… It seems senseless that I wouldn’t listen to good advice.
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I remember the day...when I decided that I am not going to follow the, “learn from my own mistake” policy. It was just one of those days... when we girls just hung out... let loose…did girly stuff and just bitched away to glory…but that day was different. I had found out my friend had been hit by her boyfriend. I don’t want to go into the reason why her boyfriend hit her simply because a reason is given as a justification for an action...And to me there is simply no justification for violence. It not only causes physical pain .. its also invokes the feeling of fear , humiliation and helplessness .When I asked her what in gods name is she still doing with the guy… she said “I dont know..I just love him... ”.
THAT’S when it struck me… I am never ever going to make the mistake of tolerating violence… I never want to understand.
She finally broke up with the guy… after tolerating 3 years of emotional and physical abuse. By then college was over… it was time to go our separate ways. I remember her telling me in the last few months we spent together," I wish I could have spend my college days like a normal teenage girl…I missed out on so much fun".  But nothing is going to bring back those lost years… or erase painful memories. Some of us choose to learn from her experience others just went head and decided they are going to learn things the hard way.  Every experience leaves a mark on you, be it good or bad.  That’s why our moms and dads are so protective of us… trying to save us as much as they can from sadness and pain. Years have taught them… made them wiser… they only wish to give us a heads up on life…

Doing things your way, taking chances and learning from your mistakes are very important, but I feel we can do it in a more sensible way. We needn’t always learn for our own mistakes always… we can also choose to learn from the mistakes of others. That’s why we have fables… we read them as children, to learn a few lessons of life... Life is full of such stories that we can learn from , stories that you may come across in the form of a book or told to you by someone…or just some incident you happened to witness.

 Since we have one life… and youth is just a short phase of life, we can spend some more time enjoying it, if we act more wisely.

 "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

                                                                                                                          -Eleanor Roosevelt

My mom told me..." no matter what you write.. people will never learn until they make mistakes..." Despite my moms wise advise...I still want to try.. There is always HOPE.

THE COST OF A CAREER!!!!

The career woman is so glorified today... she is independent and has a mind of her own, her opinions are valued ...even housewives find themselves day dreaming about joining this "elite" group . As the old saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side.

 While its great to be doing what you love or being independent and having your own source of revenue...nobody seems to be actually inclined to talk about the what sacrifices are going into getting all those rewards...Nothing is ever free in this world...my dad told me that. Those word have always stuck with me.. It just got ingrained into my system from the moment I heard them.

After starting my job I find myself wishing there were more hours in a day. I get to see my dear husband for only a few hours in a day (I am not counting the hours we both are a sleep.. cause we are exhausted and dead to the world when that happens). You know how everyone says... you can make time if you really want to do something bad enough... I am finding it humanly impossible to do. I miss cooking his favorite food for him, I miss taking care of him, I hate leaving him alone when he is sick and going for work... it doesn't make sense to me sometimes. We console each other by saying we have to get settled in our careers first then we will have more time for each other. I sincerely hope that's happens, until then we are trying to make the best use of the little time we have together.

I am yet to produce a progeny... and I am terrified at the prospect. How, when, where, and then what..? I barely manage to get enough quality time with my husband so where am I going to create time for a baby.

A little girl once asked me “why don't you have a baby aunty?"
I honestly replied "I am scared and i don't have the time to look after a baby".
The innocent little girl so promptly informed me “oh! You’re so silly! Just have a baby and give it to your mummy and you can have a maid also ".
She had accepted it as normal, this way of life. She didn't seem sad... Was this really OK?
I was so shocked...And I was just glad I had my mom when I need her the most.

We are subconsciously giving rise to a new way of life, something that is gradually just accepted as being right or normal.
Children are less attached to their parents these days... And we wonder why more old age homes are popping up everywhere. Is it really right to judge them?  I think not. They may have been given everything they wanted... But at the end of the day they never had their dad and mom, you can’t replace that with anything.
These days I think having a mom to take care of you and a dad who can spend time with you would be considered a luxury... you’re a real rich kid if you have that.

I know a lot of women who just want to quite their jobs and spend time with their children. It’s really ironic when you hear a pediatrician (child specialist) who says, “what’s the point in all this education when I can’t even be at home to take care of my own kid". Career women basically gives up a large portion of motherhood… and not always by choice as everyone would imagine. There is a huge amount of guilt that they carry with them all the time. And if by any chance she made a bold decision to stay at home and look after her children… everyone would just say after being so educated she is throwing away her life by sitting at home. I really don’t understand people who say such things… Taking time to be with your children and raise them is never a waste of time. If you bring life into this world, you and you alone are responsible for it. Always remember that and do what needs to be done.

We all need to sit down and think real hard about what we really want... lets face it, we can’t have it all. No matter how much money you make...it will never be enough till you know what you want and prioritize it. Our needs and our desires are two different things .For example; it’s your desire to buy a designer dress or a sports car, whereas buying a house of your own is a necessity

I am not just talking about women... but also men who are chasing their career and making a lot of money... at the expense of the time that they need to spend with their family. After retiring these men come home expecting to find a loving and grateful family and traumatized to find a wife who does not know what to do with him ( now that he is home all the time) and kids who have grown  up and don't connect with their dad on any level.

 Men and women need to stop using their families as excuses for chasing their careers. There is a point when you’re doing it for your personal interest rather than for the sake of providing for your family. So when your spouse and children are is letting you know that, pay attention because it’s very easy to get carried away in this materialistic world.

Careers are great, but not when it wrecks marriages, homes and creates dysfunctional kids...  A successful career is only a small part of your life, all the money in the world can’t buy you happiness or keep away the loneliness. So invest your time carefully.  

Understanding Love a little better…

We women tend to love a bit obsessively.

 If you just take a moment to reflect on it, I think you may agree with me. I read this somewhere; “Aquarians” are so passionate in their love that when they get hurt, they can be very unforgiving.  While that statement may have been made in regard to a particular sun sign… I think it holds true for all of us.

 Passion is wonderful to have, without passion life would be so dull... but in the wise words of Kahlil Gibran “Your passion and reason are the rudder and sails of your seafaring soul. For reason,ruling alone is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.”

After I read this I thought to myself, how true! But unfortunately the other day I came to know that it’s easier said than done. To be obsessive and smother your loved one is such an easy thing to do. My love can be a bit over bearing at times but fortunately I have a husband who bears with it most of the time. I have learnt over the years that if I sat back and reflected on my actions, many a times I have found that my actions were the source of conflicts. Mind you I am not looking to find fault with myself and if I am justified, I stand firm by what I know is right.

A friend once told me I shouldn’t expect people to reciprocate how I would like or want them to because every individual has his or her way of doing things. It’s really an amazing piece of wisdom. Though I found it hard to understand because I felt people who really cared about you will know how to reciprocate, to make you feel appreciated. But after a while when I began to think about the statement rather than just concentrate about what I felt about it, I understood the meaning of what he had wanted to tell me. The power to reason with yourself is of utmost importance to you because it gives you unbelievable steadiness. It is that steadiness and calm you that is required to maintain your inner peace.  If you can mould your mind to think in the right perspective, it can work wonders. It takes constant work in the beginning but it can be learnt.

Your passions should be focused to bring about the best in you for the benefit of yourself and your loved ones. Keep a check on it always, as it is very powerful. Don’t be blinded by it because when the flames of passion burn the light that can be blinding. And don’t let it go so out of control that you end up hurting the people you love. This can happen even with the best of intentions. So always consider the consequences of your actions on the people around you and always remember every individual has his or her own desires, needs and feelings. The only way you will truly know that is if you ask them and don’t assume to know everything.

I hated the word “space” when used in a relationship. It’s a common usage today “your space” or “my space”. The word always  reminded me of  distance which is something that I don’t like because I don’t want to be distanced form my beloved . I have found men don’t get as upset as women tend to by this statement. I think this is because we women are obsessively passionate or infatuated about the idea of togetherness. While it’s romantic and beautiful, we see it in a very limited perspective. Doing the very thing together or having the same opinion or way of doing things or simply being together all the time is not what being together is all about. It’s about helping each other grow and bringing about the best in each other.  

I don’t wish to preach… I only wish to share with you, that which has helped me to reason with my emotions and given me liberation from the bondages which were created by my inadequate understanding. I still don’t like the word “space” but I have chosen not to hate it. I really do wish we could come up with some other word for it, something that does not invoke a feeling or image of vast emptiness. Yet again Kahlil Gibran soothes my soul with these beautiful words that is so romantic yet powerfully conveys a message we all need to know…

“Stand together yet not together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow”

POST MARITAL DEPRESSION – yup!!! Its out there!!!

I bet nobody told you about that before you got married. I seriously wonder why no one talks about it. Why aren’t women more informed about these things?  Going to be bride would be much more emotionally prepared if they had some clue that this could happen to them.
Marriage is a process. And like all processes the better informed and aware you are the easier it will be to go through it. Unfortunately we get so caught up in the event that initiates this processes - the wedding, that we lose our perspective on marriage. I am not saying that ONE of the most important days in your life shouldn’t be given your undivided attention but to be more emotionally prepared for what comes later.

I came across this condition just a few months before my marriage while I was watching Oprah and I thank god for that... because it saved me from a lot of sleepless nights and doubts. After the wedding and the honeymoon you get back to real life... which is like an anticlimax since you have been having the time of your life till then… being in your tiny world... just the two of you ,being cherished and all that undivided attention.. can definitely be addictive, as we all know or can at least imagine and like any addiction you tend to have withdrawal symptoms.
Then the day comes when u get back home. Now others things start stirring up your peaceful pond... and slowly but surely ripples take form..Work, exhaustion, dealing with new family members... adapting to your new surroundings ...life seems like a challenge everyday. And obviously because you’re a girl...you’re expected to settle into these new found ROLES like fish would take to water...  I am not getting into the feministic point of view on this... even though I would love to... because its really doesn’t help solve the problem. Besides I think woman have this suicidal tendency to take on everything on the shoulder without thinking twice. It’s like we love to push the self destruct button on ourselves.

So...now you have mental and physical exhaustion from running a household, working and trying to please everyone... and to top it all you miss your husband who has to go to work.
 Men being men are oblivious to all this cause they just are. Its not because they don’t care in most cases.. It simply doesn’t occur to them. Woman being woman initially jump through all the hoops smiling in order to keep up the appearance of "the perfect wife" and one fine day feel unappreciated and like a time bomb, you’re bound to blow up. Of course the men have no idea what was going on because your were smiling till yesterday (yes he missed all those signals and hints you were trying to send him) and they didn’t ask you to go through all that trouble
Now what to you do  hate the guy ? hate life? cry a whole lot about how insensitive and unappreciative he is ?

If you let these thought fester it will be a down hill road... because the way you think can make you or break you .Most woman will get depressed... even if you are angry intitially it will gradually be replaced by depression. At least that’s what I have come to know myself and through many friends. The most important thing is that you acknowledge it and deal with it. There is a strange sense of relief when you identify your problem. Giving it a name, makes it less ambiguous. Knowing that others have gone down this road reduces your anxiety. You can think clearer and focus on your efforts.

Marriage involves investing your time and effort. First thing you need to get past all negative emotions is to make it clear to yourself whether you want to give this relationship your time... cause that’s really precious.. You won’t get it back. Besides if you think the person is worth it, it makes things a whole lot better.

We all have heard of communication gap... and we know it exist... So try to make the gap smaller. Women are creatures of emotion... very strong emotions. Men are just on a different plane. So when you have your heart to heart talks… it would be in your best interest to keep that in mind, because many a times they simply can’t understand. You need to be on the same plane if you’re going to be able to communicate in a positive and productive manner. It’s only with time and patience will you get there, so don’t expect a miracle overnight.

 When you’re on the edge the only thing you have to remember is why you chose to be with him in the first place… I keep doing that… when I think of all those things I love about my husband… it’s amazing how all that weight just lifts of my shoulders, frustrations which had its jaws locked on my mind slowly let go, peace somehow finds its way back to me by the grace of god. 

I think if your in a nice place in your relationship with your husband… somehow all the other things seem more easier to manage. Maybe its cause you have someone who understands you or just the fact that the peace in your mind has cleared up the fogginess and your able to function a whole lot better. BUT no matter how good you feel, think carefully and thoroughly before taking on responsibilities. And you will only be able to make your loved ones happy if you’re happy yourself. So take good care of yourself.

I don’t know how to put say what I am about to, but after due consideration I feel its something that needs to be said. If you can’t sort out your feelings, talk it out with someone you trust. There is a sense of comfort when you just talk it out. Maybe having someone from the outside, can give a fresh perspective on the issues that are bothering you. For me it was just bitching with my friend and just having her take my side comforted me. And if all else fails go to a shrink and get some medication if required. There is nothing wrong with it. If modern science has found a way to help us cope with the stresses of life we should be able to use it but use it wisely and judiciously. If your seriously depressed you may eventually be sleep deprived... And then lack of sleep will lead to a more irritable mood and unclear thinking… and the vicious cycle will continue.